he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
