i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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