He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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