We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
