her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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