I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
