I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize