he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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