she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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