Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
