Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize