what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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