I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
