Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
