he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
