so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
