i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
