there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
