you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
tell your sister to shave her snatch
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
