dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
