I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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