The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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