Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
