my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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