my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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