foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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