I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
