I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
