dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
