He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
