if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
