My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
