I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
