I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
