Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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