I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
