I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
