I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
