No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
