Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
