2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
