We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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