Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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