Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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