I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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