Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
