Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
