The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
