Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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