...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Randomize
