when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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