4 words: hood of his car
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
