Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
