that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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