you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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