My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize