if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm passing your future prison.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
