my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
