When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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