My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
