sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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