Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So much rum. So many feels.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
