So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
