I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
